Divorce: Questions and Answers
1. What is divorce mediation?
Divorce mediation is a method of getting divorced in which the divorcing couple sits together with the mediator to work out the details of their divorce agreement.
2. What is the difference between divorce mediation and a two-lawyer divorce?
In divorce mediation both husband and wife are in the room together with the mediator working out the details of the separation or divorce agreement. All decisions regarding the divorce are discussed together. With a two-lawyer divorce the wife and the husband each have a lawyer with whom they consult and then the lawyers talk to each other to work out the agreement.
It is not unusual for a divorcing couple to get caught in the push and pull of two lawyers, each advocating for his own client and sometimes disregarding what is in the best interest not only of both spouses but of the children. We suggest that you consult a mediator. Your mediator will help you sort out your financial problems as well as your custodial issues with your children.
4. Is a mediated divorce as legal a a lawyer divorce?
At the end of mediation, a document called "the memorandum of understanding" is written which serves as the basis for the separation and/or divorce. The memo is converted to a legal document that is filed with the court by an attorney to legalize the divorce.
5. Does divorce mediation work?
We have found that couples who choose divorce mediation rather than a litigated divorce can separate with less stress and less anger. Their children have more resilience and fewer after effects from the divorce than if their parents had chosen the path of two lawyers and the often endless litigation and stress that involves.
6. I have two children, two and four. I want to get a divorce but worry about the effect this will have on the children. How can I minimize the damage this might do to them?
Divorce always has an impact on children. It is a significant event in their lives. However, living with parents who are in constant conflict also has an impact on children's lives. We have found that when a couple litigates their divorce and there is anger and harsh words in the family, the children are severely and negatively affected. However, when parents mediate their divorce, can separate amicably and remain friends, their children have few adverse reactions. In our analysis of this finding, we have come to believe that it is the fighting between the spouses as well as, frequently, each spouse attempting to win the children over to their side that does the damage. In a mediated divorce, this never happens.
7. Can I come to mediation alone?
Since mediation is structured so that both the husband and the wife work details out with the mediator the mediation process will not work with only one of you present. However, sometimes one party comes to the initial information session, shares the information with the spouse, and then the couple begins the mediation process together.
8. If my husband does not want to go with me to mediation, what can I do?
You can encourage him to come to an initial consultation session, which has no fee, during which the mediator will answer all of your questions about the mediation process and outcomes. Then your husband will have the information needed to decide whether he wants to enter into divorce mediation.
9. Do you always meet with us together or can we see you separately?
Most mediation sessions are with the couple together. However, there may occur situations in which the mediator or the couple want an individual consultation. When this happens, it is always balanced, that is, each spouse has an individual consultation.
10. We are living separately. Can you still do mediation with us?
Yes. Couples who live separately can benefit from mediation if they want to move towards a divorce or they want to clarify and adjust arrangements they have made between them.
11. My husband is both physically and emotionally abusive to both me and our children. I am desperate to leave him. Do you think that divorce mediation is right for us?We have found that when one spouse is continually abusive that the process of mediation really doesn't work. Both partners have to be willing to cooperate and refrain from abusive behavior. If one spouse is abusive, the other spouse often agrees to what that person wants through fear rather than though the process of working out what is fair and equitable for both parties.
12. What actually goes on in mediation?In mediation the husband and wife sit down together with the mediator and discuss the many factors that go into a divorce agreement. Usually the mediator will present an outline that indicates the subjects to be discussed in the mediation. The couple takes the outline home to work on it as individuals. When they come back to the next session the agreed upon issues are quickly dispensed with and then the work of mediating the differences begins.
13. What do I bring to the first session?
You do not need to bring any documents to the first session unless you have made any written agreements between the two of you that you believe would impact the mediation.
14. I want to know my legal rights and since you are not lawyers can you advise me about my rights?
Since we are not lawyers we cannot give legal advice.
15. Since you are not lawyers, do you know how to deal with the financial matters?
As mediators we are trained to handle many financial matters that come up during a divorce. However, mediators do refer to financial consultants if the need arises.
16. Can we file our papers ourselves?
You can file the papers yourself. However, due to the complexity of child support issues, we usually advise against self-filing if you have children.
17. How much does mediation cost and how long will it take?
The total cost of the mediation is based on two factors: one, the complexity of your financial situation and two, your willingness to negotiate cooperatively with each other. In the initial meeting, the mediator is usually able to estimate how long the mediation process will take.
18. What is your fee?
We charge by the hour. There is no retainer agreement. The total cost, therefore, is based on the number of hours it takes to reach the agreements necessary to draft the memorandum of understanding. Our hourly fee is $350.00. There is an additional fee of $700.00 to draft the memorandum of agreement.
19. How many sessions will we need?
The number of sessions needed depends upon the complexity of the situation and on the cooperation between the couple. The more cooperative the two of you are, the quicker you can come to a resolution of your differences. The average number of sessions can range from a low of two sessions to a high of eight or ten sessions.
20. Are there additional costs aside from the mediation itself?
Once the mediation is complete and the memorandum of understanding is written you are directed to review attorneys who go over the document, convert it into a legal document and file it with the courts. These legal costs are separate and apart from the mediation itself and are established by the review attorney. The costs vary depending on the attorney and the complexity of your case.
21. What if we have already decided many issues?
If you have decided many issues the mediation will proceed more quickly; therefore the costs will be lower. However, sometimes the agreements made between couples prior to mediation need to be adjusted or modified.
22. Can I get divorced and not sell my house?
Yes. Mediation is a forum for discussion about the resolution of the house as well as all marital property.
23. I don't want my wife to get anything; after all, she's the one that had the affair. Can I be assured that I can get all I want through mediation?
The mediation process allows both individuals to express their wishes in the impending divorce. In all mediations some compromises must be made. Therefore, the mediator cannot guarantee you can get "all you want." The mediator can guarantee that all the expectations of both parties will be thoroughly discussed with the goal of reaching agreements that both "can live with."
24. My husband lives with his girlfriend and I don't want him to see our children. Can you make sure he doesn't see them?
In mediation, your mediator will encourage you to make an agreement which is in the best interests of the children. It is unusual that the best interests of the children can be met if they never spend time with their father.
25. Can you help us with what we say to the children?
Yes. Discussions with the mediator on how to approach your children, what to say to them and how to handle the parenting challenges that surround divorce are always discussed with the mediators. We are psychologist-mediators and are specially trained and experienced in these matters.
26. What are some of the things we should be thinking about in relation to dealing with our children?
Here are several important guidelines to keep in mind:
-You and your spouse will be divorcing each other. Remind your children that you both love them and you will both always be their parents.
-Try to minimize the conflict between you and your spouse.
-Recognize that your children will adjust to separation and divorce more easily if both parents are accessible to them.
-Never use your children as pawns in your marital conflict.