Divorce: Questions and Answers

1. My wife and I have been unhappy for years. We have decided to get a divorce but are both concerned about the effect this will have on the children.

We have found that when a couple litigates their divorce and there is anger and harsh words in the family, the children are severely and negatively affected. However, when parents mediate their divorce, can separate amicably and remain friends, their children have few adverse reactions. In our analysis of this finding, we have come to believe that it is the fighting between the spouses as well, frequently, as each spouse attempting to win the children over to their side that does the damage. In a mediated divorced, this never happens. However, there are several things to keep in mind:

1. You and your spouse are divorcing each other. Remind your children when they seem upset or apprehensive that you both love them and that you will both always be their parents.
2. Try to minimize the conflict between you and your spouse.
3. Recognize that your children will adjust to your divorce if you are both reassuring and supportive with them.
4. Never use your children as pawns in your divorce.
5. Consider consulting a divorce mediator instead of two lawyers, each with a side to defend.

2. I have been divorced for over two years and would like to introduce my girl friend to my children. Do you have any suggestions about the best way to do this?

There are two things to keep in mind:

1. Make the first meeting as stress free as possible by keeping it low key and short.
2. Refrain from expressions of intimacy with your girl friend when you are both spending time with the children.

3. My husband and I are both seeing separate lawyers. We have spent a fortune of money, the children are upset all the time and we are no closer to agreeing either on a financial settlement or on how to share custody of the children. Do you have any suggestions?

It is not unusual for a divorcing couple to get caught in the push and pull of two lawyers, each advocating for his own client and sometimes disregarding what is in the best interest not only of both spouses but of the children. We suggest that you consult a mediator. Your mediator will help you sort out your financial problems as well as your custodial issues with your children.

4. Will going to mediation with my spouse jeopardize my divorce settlement?

Not at all. Instead of two lawyers fighting with each other and you and your spouse also fighting, you and your spouse will talk to a mediator until all points of difference have been resolved. The difference is in peaceful resolution rather than resolution in which both spouses end up angry and often not talking to each other.

5. Does divorce mediation really work?

We have found that couples who choose the path of divorce mediation rather than that of a litigated divorce can separate with less stress and less anger. Their children are also seen to have more resilience and fewer after effects from the divorce than if their parents had chosen the path of two lawyers and the often endless litigation and stress that involves.

6. My husband is both physically and emotionally abusive to both me and our children. I am desperate to leave him. Do you think that divorce mediation is right for us?

We have found that when one spouse is continually abusive that the process of mediation really doesn't work. Both partners have to be willing to cooperate and refrain from abusive behavior. If one spouse is abusive, the other spouse often agrees to what that person wants through fear rather than though the process of working out what is fair and equitable for both parties.

7. I am a divorced mother of three children, and my oldest recently said to me, "The worst thing for me about your divorce from Dad is that you pretended you weren't angry with him." Do you think I was right to do that?

Usually children know the truth about their parents' feelings. Perhaps your daughter meant that your pretence confused her. It is important not to behave in ways that confuse your children after divorce. Since all children want their parents back together, no matter how difficult life was for them before the divorce, any lack of clarity can be confusing and may keep them from adjusting to the reality that they are now children of divorced parents, both of whom, however, love them.

8. I have two children, two and four. I want to get a divorce but worry about the effect this will have on the children. How can I minimize the damage this might do to them?

Divorce always has an impact on children. It is a significant event in their lives. However, living with parents who are in constant conflict also has an impact on children's lives. If you choose to get a divorce, there are several guidelines to keep in mind:

1. You and your spouse will be divorcing each other. Remind your children that you both love them and you will both always be their parents.
   
2. Try to minimize the conflict between you and your spouse.
   
3. Recognize that your children will adjust to separation and divorce more easily if both parents are accessible to them.
   
4. Never use your children as pawns in your marital conflict.
   

9. My ex-husband and I seem to talk only about money but I think the important thing to talk with him about is how the kids are doing emotionally. How can I go about this in a way that works?

There are two answers to this question. The first: if you were unable to talk to your husband while you were married, what makes you think that you can talk to him now that you are divorced? The second: although this is a generalization, it seems true that many fathers feel blamed when their ex-wives want to talk about their children's emotional issues. However, if you can figure out a way to talk to your ex without him feeling blamed, he might be willing to share and address some of your concerns.

10. My wife and I are very concerned about our son. Recently he has been getting failing grades in school. He is moody, lacks motivation and has fits of rage when either of us tries to talk to him about any of his problems. Both my wife and I are unhappy in our marriage and want to eventually get a divorce -- though we're always civil to each other. Do you think this has anything to do with our son's problems?

The experience of many family therapists has been that when parents stay together solely for the sake of the children they can put a heavy burden on them. Your son may be aware of the conflict in your marriage. A child who grows up with two parents who are civil but distant feels an intense need to get the parents to start talking and showing some genuine feelings. He may feel responsible for keeping you together. To some extent his problems may actually have this effect by unifying you both in your concern for him. Regardless of whether this is true or not, however, your son needs clear behavioral guidelines that you both agree on. And, of course, you must be consistent about these.

11. My husband has done terrible things to me and I think he is an awful human being. Now we are getting a divorce and he is fighting to have custody of the children. I want my children to know the kind or person he really is. Everyone says I'm only going to hurt the children because they have to accept him in their lives. Is this true?

Your children need to find ways to maintain their love for both you and your husband as they go through this crisis. You need to ask yourself if your hurt and anger justify burdening your children with problems they are not able to handle. They may need help now in order to cope with their problems and concerns. In time, they will appreciate you more for not burdening them with your problems.

12. My ex-wife is always interfering with the time I'm supposed to spend with my daughter. I don't want to go back to court again but we've been divorced for over two years and if anything, her interference is getting worse. What do you think I can do?

Many cases like the one you described are handled through the mediation process. Although people sometimes think they need the clout of a court to get cooperation, this idea is frequently not true. For example, you and your wife go to court, get a custody schedule, and still there is interference. This points to the futility of a court ordered arrangement for child custody. In mediation, each party gets to speak and express their concerns. As a rule, custody and visitation schedules developed in mediation are maintained more cooperatively than in court ordered schedules.