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Today's
Psychology When Divorce Happens Adjusting psychologically to the end of a marriage and finding both the resources and the inner strength to begin the actual separation process are daunting tasks. Sometimes couple's counseling can do a last minute rescue of a foundering marriage but not always. The result may be months of unhappy bickering while both husband and wife start the separation process each using their own lawyer followed by an adversarial and bitter separation with most everyone involved damaged by the whole messy situation. And of all those who are lastingly hurt, the children of the marriage are most at risk. There is another choice: divorce mediation. Many couples are unaware that divorce mediation even exists as it is a relatively unutilized option in the New York area. In other parts of the county, however, divorce mediation is actually required. The legal system is defined in terms of winning or losing — you win, I lose or vice versa. The spouse who has the most power in the relationship or the most money to pay the lawyers or is the most bitter and vengeful or who (apparently) cares least about the well being of the children is, in all probability, the marriage partner who will end up with the most favorable divorce settlement. The premise of divorce mediation is very different from that of a legalistic divorce. Both spouses come into the mediation together. They, with the assistance of the mediator, have the opportunity to express their needs and wishes directly to their spouse and to listen to what their divorcing partner needs and wants as well. The role of the mediator is objective and goal oriented. It is to listen impartially and facilitate informed decision making that gives both partners the opportunity to negotiate a fair agreement directly with each other. If you are in the process of a bitter and unhappy divorce, you may say, "Well, I no longer have one thing to say to my husband (wife). I just want the best settlement I can get. I'm not the one who wanted to tear this family apart." Indeed, mediation may very well begin when one or both partners realize that their anger is wreaking havoc on the lives of their children as well as on their own lives. Partners come into mediation prepared to discuss both assets and liabilities — how much money is in the bank, what their pensions are actually worth, what kind of and how much indebtedness the family has. From these facts a fair financial agreement is reached. More important even than this is what does and does not happen to the children in a mediated divorce agreement. What does not happen is that they do not become pawns in the power game that an adversarial divorce so often invites. Their interests and needs are considered calmly and reflectively as parents discuss with the mediator what is best for them and how that can be made to happen. In the atmosphere of calm discussion that is encouraged, parents do not need to enlist their children as allies in their divorce. Thus, the children don't have to take sides and don't have to listen to fights between their parents. The cost of divorce mediation in terms both of time and money is always lower than in a litigated divorce. |