Divorce Mediation vs. Traditional Divorce
Which Is Best For Your Child?

Divorce is not a single event; it is really a process that begins when the couple decides to separate. How they manage the separation process in large part affects how their children will respond and adjust. The more contentious, bitter and drawn out the divorce, the more detrimental the impact. Years of research on children of divorce has shown that children who fare best are those whose parents keep the children outside of the parental conflict and maintain a cooperative relationship both during and after the divorce. This finding has led several states to mandate that divorcing couples with children consult with a divorce mediator. The purpose of this mandate is to establish a more cooperative atmosphere and keep the divorce process from escalating into a bitter battle in which the children invariably suffer most.

The process of divorce can leave your children bewildered. They may have seen you and your spouse arguing, perhaps even fighting. This frightens them because their well-being and security are being threatened. It is important that you tell them in terms they can understand that you are planning to live separately, and that you share other limited information with them.

As psychologists, we understand this and know how to guide you not only through the difficult process of separating your finances but the even more difficult process of determining what's in the best interests of your children.

Joette, Victoria and Jerry have children of their own and recognize that your desire to mediate your divorce reflects not only your desire to avoid the push and pull of a two-lawyer divorce but to remain friends and connected to each other through your children whose interests, growth and development are always paramount.

Let us look at two different scenarios.
Situation:  Mr. and Mrs. Smith have been married for nine years. They have two children, 6 & 8 years old. Mr. Smith has worked long hours building his law practice. Mrs. Smith put her career on hold to stay home with the children. Mr. Smith has been having an affair and wants a divorce. Mrs. Smith is very hurt and angry. He wants to be involved in the children's life; she feels he has never been involved so why begin now.

Option 1:  Mr. and Mrs. Smith each begin the process of arguing over issues of custody, visitation and finances through their lawyers. They try not to involve the children, but the children overhear phone conversations and comments about the other parent, and sense the anger between them. Eventually, the Smiths go to court and the children are each interviewed by a court guardian. The judge makes many of the final decisions.

Option 2:  Mr. and Mrs. Smith decide to consult with a divorce mediator. With the assistance of the mediator they have the opportunity to express their needs and wishes — and even their anger — directly to their spouse and listen to the other's needs and wants. The mediator listens objectively and impartially and facilitates an agreement that gives both Mr. and Mrs. Smith the opportunity to negotiate a fair agreement directly with each other.

In which of these scenarios do you think the children will have the greatest probability of adjusting well to the divorce — to suffer the least, stay outside of the parental conflict and be least frightened by the parents' anger towards each other?

When people are in the throws of hurt, anger and resentment, it is often difficult for them to step back and make thoughtful decisions — to be objective and come to an agreement that will ultimately be in the best interests of themselves and their children. One of the primary roles of the mediator is to help individuals gain a degree of objectivity when their emotions are highly charged, so that they can best achieve their goal — a divorce which protects each of them and their children.